Friday, February 12, 2010


Logline: Members of a secret society try to rob a mysterious and a rich company situated on the outskirts of the city, little do they know that the company has some frightening secrets of its own.

It’s a dark room and three people are tied up to chairs. One of them keeps on waking up and passing out. He finally comes back to his sense. He struggles with the ropes a while then gives up. He looks over his shoulder to see the other two but they seem to be knocked out of senses. He starts recalling the past events that led up to this situation.
All three of them are part of a secret society that no one knows about. Things were so bad that they had to advertise for themselves by spreading rumors of the society by themselves. They also tried some petty crimes but no one took notice. Fed up with the general public response of not recognizing a “hidden, dark and terrible force” they decided to do something big.
There is a building on the outskirts of the city that is twice as large as the three largest buildings in the city combined. No one knows what goes on in there. But since it constantly churns out smoke it is taken for granted that it must be some sort of factory.
Three of them land up at the building one night with assumption that the other had some kind of plan but there is none. But everything turns out to be easy.
Not finding any guards at the gate they get into the complex and break into the building. They enter deeper into the building and find no one. No people, no security, nothing. Everything seems to be a bit too easy.
But as they go even deeper they realize that its completely empty. No piece of machinery or anything. There is even no furniture. They start to get a little spooked out but keep going nonetheless.
Somewhere in the building they come across a huge map of the building that has different names of beasts and monsters written and marked on it. They wonder if it is just some stupid piece of trash or actually real because they haven’t come across any monsters at all or anything living for that matter.
That is when they find themselves surrounded by many red gleaming eyes in the dark.
Monsters appear.
They get chased around the place for a while. A commanding voice is heard in the background and the monsters stop.
The voice asks them who are they?
Scared and freaked out they blurt out the truth and try to assure the voice that they are completely harmless. They plead the voice to let them go.
He considers it for a moment. But then mentions a prophecy that was made how four thieves would lead to his downfall and he can’t let that happen. He asks them where the fourth one is. They obviously have no clue and say there is no fourth one and again plead him to let them go.
He decides to keep them captive in hope that the fourth one will come looking for them unaware of the fact that they are only three.

The three people are sitting in the same room hoping for the prophesized fourth thief to come and hopefully rescue them.

1 comment:

  1. Intro is good.
    First para in Flashback must be an interlude (the pre-intro intro)
    The factory is another good page. It's mystery.
    Plausibility of the 3 landing up there without a plan is weak.
    The buildup is good but the red gleaming eyes is weak - how else to do this other than this cliche that is in keeping with your mysterious build up?
    Do you want the monsters to appear? Then the game of leading the reader by the nose is up!
    Read Henry James "Turn of the Screw" to understand how to build up tension whether or not the monster is there - it is psychological tension that is built up.
    How can they feel that they are being chased without showing monsters? This is your challenge?
    Introducing the prophecy is a good hook at this point.
    Who is this voice? What is his nature? Why would he be destroyed? What was his sin? Think about all this too.
    The end is a good loop as he imprisons them and you are back to the beginning.
    Try it out visually after resolving some of the issues we have looked at.